One's Thoughts

Time:	6:07 am.
Mood:	messed up.

Ugh, the past two days are not days I'm proud of. I did nothing but stay in bed except at night. On Sunday, I was invited to a party (first time in ages actually and it was nice. I found a girl that liked manga and lent her some of my manga. Squee) I hope I get to know the girl, she's right across the street and somehow, I haven't met her up until now. I need social life, badly. Staying in bed isn't doing me good.

Today, my older brother took me out on his new boat (not really, it's '73 with '93 engines that's been barely used). It was awesome. I caught a squid on my fishing line! Told him to email me the picture of the squid when he has the chance. We tried using it for shark bait but sadly, some large fish took a big bite out of it. Could've been anything. I wanted to fry the squid for calamari snack. :[

Oh well. But seriously, staying in bed during the day and being awake at night isn't really making anyone happy at all. I guess the only reason is because I don't like hearing people saying they're not happy with me staying in bed so much so I stay in bed longer. The cycle never ends until it's 7:30 at night, for both days.

So, what I'm going to do is not take a nap today and just stay up the entire day and into the night then go to sleep early, around 10pm. I tried doing that on Saturday and failed.

I've got so much manga reading material that it might be the reason why my sleep pattern is so screwed up. I read Girl Got Game (all ten volumes) and I love it so much that I'm writing fanfiction for it. I'm sad to see that there's not so many fanfiction for it so if you know the manga series, let me know! =] Especially if you're interested in reading the fandom.

Another thing that I've been reading are Parfait tic, Hot Gimmick, W Juliet, Full Metal Alchemist, Land of the Blindfolded, Buddha.

Sometimes is great to have a network of libraries that have a ton of manga series to read from. I'm really lucky in that case because back in Michigan, there's not as much variety of manga to choose from. I plan on donating some of my 230-some manga collection to the library so the collection could grow even more. Well, not all of my manga at least...

I tried getting into Hellsing and just didn't like how the story is turning out by the end of volume three. :\

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Time:

4:59 am.

So, I had a deep realization that caused me to cry. I have to write this down and cement it into my thoughts and actions.

When Jesus says to Love one another, I thought it was just mutual liking another and never hate anyone. To be honest, I never had felt any deep loathing for another person. Irriation, anger, dislike, sure, but the actual act of pure loathing? Never. So it was easy for me to 'love' everyone I meet, or just 'like the person, don't hate him/her.' Then I was trying to sleep, thinking of Anthony and thought what would a person who TRULY, COMPLETELY, loved another do for that person?

Then with a loud, figurative bam in my mind, I realized that I was selfish. I hadn't truly known that I was being selfish in my acts. I thought of a paradox before I started thinking of Anthony.

I want to get up, yet I need sleep, I need to get up yet I want to sleep. It may seem that the real answer is just get up, but deep within me, in every cell of my body, it is a very conflicting sentence. I don't know when I want to get up or I need to get up, or I don't know when I want to sleep or need sleep.

Then thought of Anthony and my family and the love thing. I thought that if I really, really, actually really loved them, then I would care for them, play with the kids, get up to spend time with them. I may not necessarily love them, but when I am doing things out of act of love, my feelings will follow through. I read a story in two different places, so the story is really cemented in my memory. It's a nice story really. This is my paraphrase of the story:

It's about a wife who couldn't stand her husband, loathed his every cell in his body, how he was lazy, didn't care about her, selfish pig, etc, etc. She told her pastor/priest/attorney (we'll call him Joe) about getting divorce papers. She didn't know how to drop the bomb and hurt his feelings and asked Joe for advice. Joe gave her the advice "to act the part of being a loving, sweet wife, cook a wonderful meal, give him an excellent massage, cater to his every need and compliment him. Do that for a week and then drop the bomb that you want a divorce, that would really hurt him!"

Then she left. Three months later, Joe called her, saying that the divorce papers are ready and the wife says, "Are you kidding me?! I realized that I really love him!"

Sometimes we forget the reasons of why we love our families, friends and significant others that we don't act the part anymore. It may seem trivial or stupid, but when I thought about what actions we take to show our love for them, I realized that I had been selfish. Sure, I cared about the people that are really important to me, but I didn't go out of my way to show that I did care.

The few times when I imagined a situation where my family died in a single blow, like a hurricane came to take my family away while I was in Iowa and realized that I couldn't fathom the loss I'd experience. I care about them, I don't want to cut any of them out of my life. My foolish thinking from a year ago today to the day I returned from winter break, thinking that I didn't care to see any of my family members again, it was incredibly stupid, shallow, insensitive, immature and childish of me.

I said to mom the following day (after I came home from Christmas) that I would stop acting like that and that kind of worked, but it wasn't enough, I felt that it wasn't. I sleep in late because I don't have anything to do, when in fact, I did, I could've spent all that time with my family, because really, when the time comes, I won't see them as much as I would like. Like moving away, getting married and having my own kids.

When I realized that, that the difference between 'love' and Love, what Jesus wanted out of me in relation to Love, it hit me hard. I cried. I'm not even sure what Love feels like, adoration? Lust? (obviously not) But I think with time, when I do things, really do things, for my family.

If I don't have friends around here, then so be it. I'll make Sam and Sarah (my step siblings) my best friends here.

The reason I cried was because I never viewed myself as truly selfish, and I didn't want to be that. I wanted to start doing things for other people and forget myself with reckless abandon. I keep reading everywhere, "abandon myself with reckless abandon to God."

That doesn't mean, of course, to expect to never work and make myself a living. It means to allow God the opportunities to work in my life, to provide him a way for fulfilling my necessities, I have to do my part, and he is my partner. When I do work, I would exert 100% of myself, and God can add in 50% into my work, making it 150% total effort. Right now, I can't remember an example and I am asking him to tell me what the example was and guide me.

It is a story where a girl was fishing, a place where her friends, family and employees at the place she got her bait from, told her that the place was barren, no fish ever lived there. She ignored them all, needing fish to provide her family for the festivities that night. The girl got on the boat and went to the place that was said to have no fish whatsoever. She puts the hook and weight on the line, putting the shrimp on the hook for bait and cast it out into the water. As soon as it hits the bottom, a fish grabs the bait and the girl fights the big fight. The fish fought for its life and as she reeled in the fish, she saw the size of her fish, enough to feed the entire family, she happily got the fish onto the boat.

Interesting, I hadn't even thought of the story when I wrote it, two or three words were given to me at a time when I typed it.

Case in point, I have to do my part and when the moment calls for it, and He provides his part. No one work is worked alone, and if I want to be successful on being happy and fulfilling my needs and wants, then I would happily work with God to achieve the means.

Sure, I can be very well off without Him, but I don't think I could be happier or more filled if that were the case.

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Subject:	Critical friends
Time:	1:04 am.

I am thankful that they're trying to help me, teach me and generally make me a better writer, but really, when they do it all the time, it gets on my nerves after awhile.

I know I have horrid grammar, and I'm trying to learn, but when you're being over critical of my grammar at nearly every turn, it gets too much. I want to tell Anthony to just stop criticizing me tonight because I really don't want to have a row with him. Never really had a row with him.

I know anger is good for relationship, as long as they're rational anger and not volcanic types. I never had a good handle on my anger when I let it out. I've always had my anger bottled up, occasionally steaming out by writing in here and what not. Anthony knows that I bottle up, I don't take control of things. He wants me to be a bit more controlling. And that scares me because I don't quite know what I really want.

Except to know Jesus through His Word. He knows that I have confidence problems and is trying to help me with that but I'm not sure why I'm still holding back. I guess it's because of what I was taught. All through my childhood, people always said how nice, adorable, sweet girl I am. People still say that and I like the feeling. So I keep it that way but man, there has been so many times that I want to forget my reputation and start being mean. But of course, I'm still terrified of what others think.

It's a maddening cycle. I know I'm not the only one with this sort of problem, but seriously, it's driving me nuts. I try to remain patient about it, but I'm not sure if that's working either.

Back on topic, the grammar stuff, I've been struggling with it since I first learned how to spell. And the reason for that is because I'm deaf and people have been hearing since they were born so they had an earlier grasp on how grammar worked.

It was three years later that I was finally given a cochlear implant so I could hear, but that still put me behind other peers of my age throughout my school career. And I still struggle with it in college. I haven't had much grammar work in high school to learn from so I had to learn from other people online. I started writing fanfiction and let me tell you, they were horrid. But with time and with help of others online, I was able to advance my grammar knowledge.

Well, I'm spent on ranting about this.

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Subject:	Issues with Online Friends
Time:	3:48 am.

Okay, before you think that I'm lame for feeling this way, I'll tell you a few things. One of them is my boyfriend of a year and some months now, and we've seen each other for a total of 5 weeks, the first time, for a week, and the second time, 4 weeks.

And the rest of my online friends, some of them I have known for almost 5 years and the rest for at least 2 years. I'm going to see all of them this summer at an anime convention. So I would think that we've created some deep bonds over the internet, most of which I've talked over the phone and web cammed.

It's just that, lately, I've been trying to avoid stuff I don't want to talk about, lest I sin. See, back in October, on Easter Sunday, my soul was revived again and wanted to walk in the light again. And as for the rest of my friends, well, I hadn't realized that there's so many interpretations of Jesus. One thought you just needed to not sin to get into heaven. And my boyfriend, Anthony, believes that you just need to have faith in God because any god indicated will do, such as Hindus represent different facets of God, kinda like Trinity in Christianity. Though, Trinity is still one God.

But anyway, that's what I believe, but I have a hard time trying to maintain a relationship with Anthony. It's hard because one of my biggest belief is to be friends with non-christians, but that's hard because there are some things that I don't want to tolerate anymore but I'm being forced to if I want to remain friends with them. Simply telling them what I don't want to see/hear won't cut it.

On top of that, Anthony is a very critical person. He won't hold his tongue unless it might hurt feelings unnecessary, like if a girl is super ugly, he won't say that. He is brutally honest, like you wouldn't believe. He'll also pick out every flaw in a work, though he'd go easy on the ones that had made a lot of progress. For example, writers.

Not to mention the fact that we have a semi-sexual lives. Though we haven't had sex, and I'm still a virgin if you consider PiV to be the only way to get rid of virginity. And he loves me dearly, like you wouldn't believe. I mean, he's not romantic at all, doesn't like to say I love you phrases and all that jazz. I feel the same way, but to a lesser degree. I believe you don't need roses and chocolates to prove that you love her.

I feel so torn, I know that not everyone is perfect and him without those qualities, he'd be perfect. I've been irritated by his criticisms, as though he's never optimistic. I'm an extremely optimistic person so we're basically opposites in that respect.

Well, I'll stop now because I've been at this since 1:17 am and now it's 3:46 am.

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