stevie_andy (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} stevie_andy) wrote,@ 2007-07-20 17:10:00 |
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Between a rock and a hard place
I'm filled with misery, not exactly depressed. Well, I suppose you could say that I am. I just don't want to do anything but read/watch manga/anime and get the HP book tonight. Then I talked to Anthony last night. Oh, it was a difficult conversation alright. And he's not wrong. I have my priorities messed up, and he said that he's only human, prone to getting frustrated and eventually not care anymore.
I'm terrified. I don't know what to say anymore, how long will I keep this up? I'm only prolonging the eventual break up. And I guess he knows it too, but there's a chance that he thinks this relationship will pull through this rough spot. After all, diamonds shine after a lot of pressure and eventually being freed from the rock.
I hate the way I think, that everything 'must be on hold while I'm going through this depression' which is not realistic at all. People change, some have shorter patience than others and Anthony seems to be reaching his end.
I don't know how I'm going to act next Wednesday, when I finally go to San Diego to see him, as well as a friend from Virginia. I'm going to be there for a week and that really scares me. Should I keep my mask on? Should I be completely blanked? Be nasty to him (of course not)? Then there's another convention in August, that I'll see him again.
I'm so lost. I'm praying less to God each day and I'm barely holding on with Him. But somehow, I still have faith that somehow, everything will be alright in the end. After all, a faith the size of a mustard seed will move mountains. I don't think I could ever completely and utterly leave God. I tried many times, but my faith is still there deep inside me. Even the weeks that I've forgotten him, when I remember, my faith is still there. I don't understand why, I don't get it, why?
Please God, help me. I've been talking to you about this matter for the past two months now, what's the answer going to be on Wednesday? It's nervewhacking.
But, for this reason, I will not be able to update my insane journal, for obvious reasons. I cannot let Anthony or my friend know that I have such a journal. Even on my own laptop.
I'm filled with misery, not exactly depressed. Well, I suppose you could say that I am. I just don't want to do anything but read/watch manga/anime and get the HP book tonight. Then I talked to Anthony last night. Oh, it was a difficult conversation alright. And he's not wrong. I have my priorities messed up, and he said that he's only human, prone to getting frustrated and eventually not care anymore.
I'm terrified. I don't know what to say anymore, how long will I keep this up? I'm only prolonging the eventual break up. And I guess he knows it too, but there's a chance that he thinks this relationship will pull through this rough spot. After all, diamonds shine after a lot of pressure and eventually being freed from the rock.
I hate the way I think, that everything 'must be on hold while I'm going through this depression' which is not realistic at all. People change, some have shorter patience than others and Anthony seems to be reaching his end.
I don't know how I'm going to act next Wednesday, when I finally go to San Diego to see him, as well as a friend from Virginia. I'm going to be there for a week and that really scares me. Should I keep my mask on? Should I be completely blanked? Be nasty to him (of course not)? Then there's another convention in August, that I'll see him again.
I'm so lost. I'm praying less to God each day and I'm barely holding on with Him. But somehow, I still have faith that somehow, everything will be alright in the end. After all, a faith the size of a mustard seed will move mountains. I don't think I could ever completely and utterly leave God. I tried many times, but my faith is still there deep inside me. Even the weeks that I've forgotten him, when I remember, my faith is still there. I don't understand why, I don't get it, why?
Please God, help me. I've been talking to you about this matter for the past two months now, what's the answer going to be on Wednesday? It's nervewhacking.
But, for this reason, I will not be able to update my insane journal, for obvious reasons. I cannot let Anthony or my friend know that I have such a journal. Even on my own laptop.