This is hard
I can't think of anyone else but the readers of this journal and God himself, to share this with. For about a month now that I've joined here, I've been debating whether or not to really break up with Anthony. For the past two weeks, I've done nothing but avoiding my friends, which also includes Anthony. The past week I had vanished with another reason: that I don't want to talk to my online friends and Anthony.

And I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to do, in three weeks, I'm flying to San Diego to see Anthony as well as another online friend. (I'm from FL by the way) I'm going to Comic Con btw.

Then in August, (after returning to FL for a week) I'm flying to AnimeIowa to see a great majority of my online friends. How do I... I wish I could just cancel all my plans and never speak to any of them again. But that isn't right at all, they didn't do anything to me. I don't know what's going on with me, I just don't want to deal with them anymore. I love them dearly but I'm also sick of them.

These are my treacherous thoughts. I'm trying to make sense of it, trying to reason with it, why I'm thinking why I don't want my friends anymore. They will be devestated when the day I disappear for good with a goodbye. There is a contest on the website where I met my friends, and it just so happens that the theme of the writing contest is "Good Bye Forever." It couldn't be any more perfect, don't you think? I'm trying to write a story where it's half about me and half about the characters. If that made any sense. Kind of a story/apology in a way.

I wish these traitorous thoughts would stop. I don't want to stop talking to my friends, some of them which I have known for almost five years now and the newest person just over a year as well.

I guess I'm getting fed up with online friends and trying to get actual friends. Maybe that's it, I don't know. You guys, apart from God, only knows about this. I can't even confide in my best friends of twelve years. Heck, I'm even thinking about cutting ties with her.

I just hope this... weird... thing ends soon. Because it's ripping me inside out. I don't want to end the wonderful friendships and at the same time, I wholeheartedly do.